As part of the human condition, we constantly seek to improve our lives - increase our contentedness and decrease our difficulties. These improvements can be as simple as a new skin-care regimen or flossing more regularly or something more complex, such as managing one’s mental health, returning to school, or healing from a toxic relationship. Self help books fly off the shelves and people constantly seek out articles, pod-casts, YouTube vloggers, and, of course, therapy. I myself love to learn about new resources or new perspectives on tried-and-true concepts to consider how I am living my own life or to share with clients during sessions.

In my role as a therapist, I frequently talk with clients about the extremes they experience in various life areas and how to create more balance in their lives. So many of us struggle with an “all or nothing” way of navigating the world, even if we’re unaware we’re looking through that lens. I frequently see clients or friends tackling something full on or implementing some elaborate plan for changing a life area. Frequently, this approach results in a person fizzling out after a short period of time, usually a few weeks. Hell, I’ve even fallen prey to this problem myself and I’m a damned therapist. In other words, we’re human; the real trick lies in circumventing this pitfall to create healthier habits.

Infusing One New Habit at a Time

How can one start to make progress towards healthier, more balanced living? One thing at a time. Literally. Whenever we unveil an elaborate, time-consuming plan for any goal, we’re setting ourselves up to fail simply because sudden, high levels of change all at once prove difficult to sustain. Want to eat healthier? Don’t throw out every darn thing in your fridge and run out and purchase a hundred new health-food items you may not even know how to begin to prepare. Start with simply adding in a few more fruits and veggies, try one new recipe a week, increase your water consumption, decrease the amount of soda you drink, or skip the french fries when you roll through the drive through. Mind you, I suggested you choose just one off the aforementioned list. Then what? Keep that up for several weeks, until your new healthy habit becomes as unremarkable as brushing your teeth before bed. We all do that, we rarely skip it, and we never really consider that it’s a healthy habit. Once eating fruit for breakfast every morning or sipping water from your water bottle all day is just “what you do,” having little mental energy around it, then pick another habit to tackle.

Baby Steps

If you have a larger goal for yourself, which most of us do at one time or another, the common wisdom dictates breaking it down into manageable chunks. I know this isn’t rocket science and I know every person reading this has heard this nugget of truth at one point or another, but understanding yourself can help guide this process. Are you visual? Do you like to journal? Are you a technology user? Would you stay on track with a reward-based system? Do you need an accountability partner? Some ideas sound great in theory, but if it’s not workable for you and your lifestyle, you’re unlikely to make progress and you’ll get discouraged and give up altogether.

Do you want to run a 5K? Write a novel? Return to school? Get a new job? Teach yourself to sew? Think about your time frame for this goal and, if you’re uncertain how long a goal might take to accomplish, a little research might help map out a realistic calendar. Make a list of steps towards the goal - a) update resume, b) create a good cover letter template, c) develop a list of references, d) research companies in my chosen field, e) create a professional profile on Linked In or other career-based web sites. You might look at this list and realize you struggle with resumes, so you need to break that down further: research modern resume formats, ask two friends to review, etc. Set deadlines for your goals - the vast majority of us need due dates to take something off the back-burner and light a fire under ourselves.

What tools would help you? There are smartphone apps to help track goals. A number of companies make structured journals; I have used both Panda Planner and The 100-Day Journal to help with goal tracking and these are only two of a myriad of bound journals. Create a dream board for a visual reminder in your office or kitchen of what you’re striving to accomplish. Ask a friend to partner with you. The type of system you pick really doesn’t matter, it’s just got to be one you will actually use. And, going back to what I mentioned earlier, using it will be a new habit, so it might take some time to get in the groove.

Patience with Ourselves

Societal messages teach us we must chastise ourselves in order to keep ourselves in line. Recent research around self compassion contradicts the concept harsh criticism towards ourselves helps us to reach our goals. Mentally berating ourselves increases our anxiety and depression and often actually derails our progress. Self Compassion, a wonderful book by professor Kristen Neff, coaches us to accept our struggles with something and our difficult emotions around that internal battle. Practicing compassion in the midst of those struggles and emotions can help to derail the critical voice in our heads and allow us to move forward instead of stewing in our own negative juices.

It is very easy to say “fuck it” when we skip a healthy habit or get off track in some way. That goes back to the “all or nothing” thinking or when people feel like they must do a healthy habit perfectly or everything is ruined. Please join me in calling bullshit on that concept. If you have an off day with your water consumption, forget to floss your teeth, or get a little off-track with your goals for learning to rebuild a carburetor, it’s fine - just regroup and get rolling again.

Praise

In addition to practicing patience when we take a misstep on our way towards our goals, we have to remember to give ourselves pats on the back and “attagirls” or “you’re kicking ass” - whatever form of praise floats your boat. At this point my internal dialogue feels pretty goofy, in a good way, since I am constantly acknowledging to myself what I did well in a day. “Good job, Danielle, you took your vitamins, rode your bicycle for an hour, finished the letter you started, and you’re upright and dressed for the day.” By focusing on what I am accomplishing, in a very realistic way, I keep myself in a more positive mental state.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance. - Brian Tracy

Balance

One of the foundations for a healthy life is the concept of balance. Does this mean everything will be in alignment at all times or your life areas will be divided evenly, like a pie chart? Nope. You will have days or weeks where work takes the forefront because of a looming deadline or where more energy goes into a creative endeavor because you’re going to take your crafty wares to a local farmer’s market. If you’re training for a 10K, this takes precedence in the weeks leading up to that Saturday morning race. Keep yourself in balance the majority of the time with your life areas, but give yourself compassion when you’re feeling out of alignment. When this misalignment occurs, work on re-infusing your healthy habits and get yourself rolling again.

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man. - Euripides

Y’all tell me all about the goals you’ve set for yourself.

What healthy habits do you want to start?

Are there habits you had years ago that you would like to reinstate into your current lifestyle? How can you hold yourself accountable/track your goals?