Apocalyptic Fiction

For years I have had a fascination with post-apocalyptic fiction. Even as a child, I found the concept of the world coming to an end to be an inevitable conclusion to the destruction our kind inflicts upon our planet on a daily basis. Additionally, the ways in which humans approach scientific research can be a little mind boggling at times and downright frightening at others. Not to say that I am anti-progress, but we don’t always balance our progress with caring for Mother Earth or for other humans. And with these laissez faire attitudes, it feels like Karma waits at the ready to bite us in the ass. 

I often joke about my enjoyment of post-apocalyptic fiction representing my preparations for the downfall of civilization. A catastrophic event primer, if you will. I’m not sure I am always joking when I make this quip to others about some of my favorite books. When you start to explore the genre, an array of possibilities presents itself: zombies, nuclear war, catastrophic events, technological malfunction or corruption (Skynet, anyone?), government take-over or collapse, alien invasion, pathogens run amuk, genetics experiments gone awry, depletion of resources or environment, or events related to religious prediction.

How new is the genre?

Literature featuring apocalyptic themes emerges further back than some might be currently conceptualizing. Of course, the Christian Bible, along with other religious texts, features significant sections outlining end times, as does the mythology from many cultures. Sources credit Mary Shelley’s The Last Man, a story about a civilization-ending plague, with setting the stage for the genre as we know it. Edgar Allen Poe and H. G. Wells tackled end of the world subjects in their writing as well. Although the modern format of this genre existed for decades before either World War or the Korean War, the horrors of war and the looming threat of nuclear holocaust seems to have ignited literary imagination in the 1950s, with an outpouring of novels forcing us to consider the downfall of society. 

Throughout the decades, into the 21st century, the genre expanded and seems to represent a significant portion of creative offerings. Wikipedia’s page on apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic fiction includes references to all types of media, including films, television programs, music, video games, manga, and comics. Although I have enjoyed many of the items listed in the article, as a writer, I prefer to lose myself deeply into the world of written fiction. 

By and large I do not constantly reread books I’ve already consumed, but I make exceptions for these two dense and complex novels. I wish I had kept an accurate count, but I know I’ve read each of them every couple of years for the last 25 years or so. Interestingly, every time I read each novel, I tune in to some new aspect of the writing and come away with fresh perspectives. 

The Stand

The Stand by Stephen King first hit bookstores in 1978. Since I was only about four or five years old, I remained unaware it existed. King, being in the earlier stages of his career and less able to dictate how he wanted his creation handled, felt the pressure of the publishing company to ensure it would sell and cut 400 pages. In 1990 King and Doubleday released an updated and unabridged version of the novel; during college, I discovered this version and fell in love with the characters and the story line itself. Although I had previously read Carrie, Christine, and Different Seasons, this book turned me into a Stephen King Fan and I have since read most of his written works. Although this sounds odd, given the book features a super-bug eliminating 97% of the population of the world, I wanted to live in the book with the characters and share their experiences. As I have aged and grown as a reader and a writer, I have learned this feeling signals to me I’ve found a treasure.

The Stand features an array of carefully crafted characters, many of whom grow in significant ways throughout the novel. Although the bulk of the main characters hail from either the Midwest or the Northeast, King includes one Southern main character, Stuart Redman. Stu, a factory worker hailing from East Texas, emerges as one of the leaders of the community of survivors who traveled to Boulder, Colorado following supernatural visions. Although King portrays Stu as a blue-collar, down-to-earth, humble man, he never resorts to any of the stereotypical Southern caricatures. As a Southerner who tires of people equating our accents, colloquial language, or plain living to denote a lack of intelligence, I appreciate King highlighting Stu’s common sense and problem solving skills in addition to being a good listener and a kind man. 

Swan Song

Interestingly, Swan Song by Robert McCammon tied with Stephen King’s Misery for the Bram Stoker Award after their publications in 1987. My husband provided me with a copy of Swan Song early in our college dating days in the mid 90s. I honestly think he was tired of me re-reading my worn-out copy of The Stand. As with The Stand, Swan Song begins with a world-impacting disaster, in this case: nuclear holocaust. McCammon features supernatural elements in the story, as King does in many of his works, but like King, McCammon focuses on his complex characters. Their relationships with one another and their reactions to the destruction and disease wrought by the fallout of the country being bombed weave an intriguing story which is difficult to put down. As with The Stand, the bulk of the characters in Swan Song seem to be from the Northeast or the Midwest; my memory doesn’t bring to mind any Southern characters, but I feel McCammon would have created well-rounded characters as well. 

Trigger Warning: Each book features scenes in which women are vulnerable to or experiencing some form of sexual assault. Swan Song features a scene in which a young man narrowly escapes being assaulted.

What fictional worlds do you envision yourself navigating as you read? 

Which characters draw empathy from you? Do authors portray your neck of the woods or characters hailing from those areas well?

Healthy Habits and Balance

As part of the human condition, we constantly seek to improve our lives - increase our contentedness and decrease our difficulties. These improvements can be as simple as a new skin-care regimen or flossing more regularly or something more complex, such as managing one’s mental health, returning to school, or healing from a toxic relationship. Self help books fly off the shelves and people constantly seek out articles, pod-casts, YouTube vloggers, and, of course, therapy. I myself love to learn about new resources or new perspectives on tried-and-true concepts to consider how I am living my own life or to share with clients during sessions.

In my role as a therapist, I frequently talk with clients about the extremes they experience in various life areas and how to create more balance in their lives. So many of us struggle with an “all or nothing” way of navigating the world, even if we’re unaware we’re looking through that lens. I frequently see clients or friends tackling something full on or implementing some elaborate plan for changing a life area. Frequently, this  approach results in a person fizzling out after a short period of time, usually a few weeks. Hell, I’ve even fallen prey to this problem myself and I’m a damned therapist. In other words, we’re human; the real trick lies in circumventing this pitfall to create healthier habits.

Infusing One New Habit at a Time

How can one start to make progress towards healthier, more balanced living? One thing at a time. Literally. Whenever we unveil an elaborate, time-consuming plan for any goal, we’re setting ourselves up to fail simply because sudden, high levels of change all at once prove difficult to sustain. Want to eat healthier? Don’t throw out every darn thing in your fridge and run out and purchase a hundred new health-food items you may not even know how to begin to prepare. Start with simply adding in a few more fruits and veggies, try one new recipe a week, increase your water consumption, decrease the amount of soda you drink, or skip the french fries when you roll through the drive through. Mind you, I suggested you choose just one off the aforementioned list. Then what? Keep that up for several weeks, until your new healthy habit becomes as unremarkable as brushing your teeth before bed. We all do that, we rarely skip it, and we never really consider that it’s a healthy habit. Once eating fruit for breakfast every morning or sipping water from your water bottle all day is just “what you do,” having little mental energy around it, then pick another habit to tackle.

Baby Steps

If you have a larger goal for yourself, which most of us do at one time or another, the common wisdom dictates breaking it down into manageable chunks. I know this isn’t rocket science and I know every person reading this has heard this nugget of truth at one point or another, but understanding yourself can help guide this process. Are you visual? Do you like to journal? Are you a technology user? Would you stay on track with a reward-based system? Do you need an accountability partner? Some ideas sound great in theory, but if it’s not workable for you and your lifestyle, you’re unlikely to make progress and you’ll get discouraged and give up altogether.

Do you want to run a 5K? Write a novel? Return to school? Get a new job? Teach yourself to sew? Think about your time frame for this goal and, if you’re uncertain how long a goal might take to accomplish, a little research might help map out a realistic calendar. Make a list of steps towards the goal - a) update resume, b) create a good cover letter template, c) develop a list of references, d) research companies in my chosen field, e) create a professional profile on Linked In or other career-based web sites. You might look at this list and realize you struggle with resumes, so you need to break that down further: research modern resume formats, ask two friends to review, etc. Set deadlines for your goals - the vast majority of us need due dates to take something off the back-burner and light a fire under ourselves.

What tools would help you? There are smartphone apps to help track goals. A number of companies make structured journals; I have used both Panda Planner and The 100-Day Journal to help with goal tracking and these are only two of a myriad of bound journals. Create a dream board for a visual reminder in your office or kitchen of what you’re striving to accomplish. Ask a friend to partner with you. The type of system you pick really doesn’t matter, it’s just got to be one you will actually use. And, going back to what I mentioned earlier, using it will be a new habit, so it might take some time to get in the groove.

Patience with Ourselves

Societal messages teach us we must chastise ourselves in order to keep ourselves in line. Recent research around self compassion contradicts the concept harsh criticism towards ourselves helps us to reach our goals. Mentally berating ourselves increases our anxiety and depression and often actually derails our progress. Self Compassion, a wonderful book by professor Kristen Neff, coaches us to accept our struggles with something and our difficult emotions around that internal battle. Practicing compassion in the midst of those struggles and emotions can help to derail the critical voice in our heads and allow us to move forward instead of stewing in our own negative juices. 

It is very easy to say “fuck it” when we skip a healthy habit or get off track in some way. That goes back to the “all or nothing” thinking or when people feel like they must do a healthy habit perfectly or everything is ruined. Please join me in calling bullshit on that concept. If you have an off day with your water consumption, forget to floss your teeth, or get a little off-track with your goals for learning to rebuild a carburetor, it’s fine - just regroup and get rolling again. 

Praise

In addition to practicing patience when we take a misstep on our way towards our goals, we have to remember to give ourselves pats on the back and “attagirls” or “you’re kicking ass” - whatever form of praise floats your boat. At this point my internal dialogue feels pretty goofy, in a good way, since I am constantly acknowledging to myself what I did well in a day. “Good job, Danielle, you took your vitamins, rode your bicycle for an hour, finished the letter you started, and you’re upright and dressed for the day.” By focusing on what I am accomplishing, in a very realistic way, I keep myself in a more positive mental state. 

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.  - Brian Tracy

Balance

One of the foundations for a healthy life is the concept of balance. Does this mean everything will be in alignment at all times or your life areas will be divided evenly, like a pie chart? Nope. You will have days or weeks where work takes the forefront because of a looming deadline or where more energy goes into a creative endeavor because you’re going to take your crafty wares to a local farmer’s market. If you’re training for a 10K, this takes precedence in the weeks leading up to that Saturday morning race. Keep yourself in balance the majority of the time with your life areas, but give yourself compassion when you’re feeling out of alignment. When this misalignment occurs, work on re-infusing your healthy habits and get yourself rolling again. 

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man. - Euripides

Y’all tell me all about the goals you’ve set for yourself. 

What healthy habits do you want to start?

Are there habits you had years ago that you would like to reinstate into your current lifestyle? How can you hold yourself accountable/track your goals?

You can do it!

Blue Collar Life

I always describe myself as growing up blue collar, lest anyone think I got to my current well-educated, reasonably comfortable living status with everything being handed to me. I am oddly and fiercely proud of having worked for everything I now have in my life. My parents always stressed the importance of education, both high school graduates themselves, and encouraged my siblings and me to seek higher education. All four of us have attended at least some college: two associates degrees, three undergraduate programs, and two master’s degrees. Not too shabby for the children of a homemaker turned bookkeeper and a factory worker turned maintenance supervisor. The blue collar catch to our college journeys? All of us utilized grants, scholarships, and student loans. And we lived at home while we obtained our education or, in the case of my sister and I getting our master’s degrees, we were married with children and mortgages while working towards our goals.

Budget Stretching

Thinking back on my childhood, I feel like my parents managed our household income fairly well, but when there are six people and one modest salary, the money can only be stretched so thin before a hole appears in the dough. We lived in a small, brick house, eternally under construction from one project or another. In my naive eyes, my father could build or repair anything; while possessing a talent which saved us a lot of money over the years, my dad wasn’t quite infallible. A brilliant man, despite struggling with undiagnosed learning issues his whole life, Daddy could read up on a topic and foray the freshly gained knowledge into an interesting project. He designed and built a platform playhouse, a set of solar panels which powered our water heater, and conceptualized and layed a beautiful tile floor in our kitchen with terra cotta colored grout. Daddy seemed to perpetually repair his old, baby blue, dented Chevy truck and whichever beater car my mom used to haul the kids around until eventually even my father’s wizardry couldn’t bring it back to life. And, if he couldn’t figure out some aspect of a project, he was smart enough to find someone in our small town who could. 

Every fall Mama would go and get a part-time job in the evenings, trading off parenting duty with my dad when he arrived home from work. Dressed in neatly pressed dress pants and one of her three rayon blouses, she would kiss my grungy, tired father on her way out the door, taking care to avoid the creosote and motor oil dotting his clothing. One year she worked at a now defunct shoe store chain in the mall; our dad would take us by there sometimes to say “hi,” even though it meant chasing my toddler sister among the racks. The next fall she worked in a gift shop with shelves of expensive, beautiful, and fragile items, the kinds of treasures our household would never have on display. Daddy didn’t take his three tomboy daughters by to greet our mother (my brother hadn’t been invented yet), wisely knowing we would break something. Our favorite yearly part-time job of Mama’s was the candy kiosk, also at the mall. A couple nights a week she would bring home a crisp, white paper bag filled with caramel corn, huge colorful suckers, or Jelly Bellies, which would cause a knock-down-drag-out fight over who got what flavors.

I was a teenager before I tuned into the timing of my mama only working a part-time job each year from October through December. Her motivation for going to a menial, less-than-rewarding job in the evenings after taking care of children all day was to provide us with a great Christmas. As a therapist, I recognize now our wonderful Christmases represented her attempts to heal from her own past and ensure none of us experienced the heartache she steeled herself against on a daily basis. Her childhood difficulties included lack of stability - living with her grandparents for years only to be uprooted to live with her mother and stepfather, experiences of abuse, and exposure to alcoholism. Although our six-person family struggled to have extras after the bills were paid, my mama’s family struggled to pay the bills. Did we want the Barbie Dream House? Bicycles? Stacks of brand new books? Art supplies? Easy Bake Oven? Done, done, and done. Cue Christmas lights, silver tinsel, and packets of hot chocolate with home-made cookies. My siblings and I didn’t have an idyllic life, but my mom tried to give us an idyllic Christmas.

Food Insecurity

One aspect of our financial struggles centered around nearly running out of groceries before the next pay period. We never went hungry, but the meals the last few days leading up to the Friday payday often left a lot to be desired. If we clamored for a snack, our mama instructed us to make ourselves some toast with jam or bread and butter, having run out of fruit, peanut butter, and anything resembling a snack earlier in the week. Our family used food stamps for several months when my father lost his job. A difficult time for him, his pride dented like the canned goods we purchased from the clearance section at the supermarket, he sank into a depression. Mama worked several odd jobs while he fought on a daily basis to get out of bed and search for a job. In order to stretch our food stamps to feed six people, my parents purchased economy bags of rice, cornmeal, and dried beans. To this day, I can barely eat rice or choke down a pinto bean; black-eyed peas and I are still on good terms, though.

Several years ago, when observing my sister’s well-stocked pantry, I remarked on my own pantry and deep freezer staying packed full at all times and I experienced anxiety when we ran out of items. She expressed feeling the same stress around any reduction in her pantry stores. After polling our siblings, we learned all of us spent more money on groceries than any other single living expense to maintain a certain level of available food items. I thought this was interesting, but didn’t quite know what to make of it until I stumbled across the phrase: food insecurity. The US Department of Agriculture (USDA) defines as “a household-level economic and social condition of limited or uncertain access to adequate food.”

https://www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/food-security-in-the-us/definitions-of-food-security.aspx

Simple Pleasures

A few years ago my father expressed regret about not being able to do more for us when we were growing up. He felt shame around not being able to afford family vacations. While it is true our family struggled to make ends meet at times, overall we all describe our childhood experiences as happy. We went camping and hiking in the mountains where we lived, we rode our bikes until sundown every day, we enjoyed competing to win board games, and my siblings and I used our imaginations to play any number of pretend scenarios - house, school, spies, or superheroes. A lot of what I remember enjoying as a child cost our family nothing: catching fireflies, riding along on a trip to the hardware store, or perusing our local library for something new to read. I may not be able to eat pinto beans, but I still enjoy all of these simple pleasures from growing up. I’d love to hear about all y’all’s favorite childhood memories.

Fixin’ To

Fixin’ to is one of my favorite Southernisms. I distinctly remember a girl pointing out my frequent use of the phrase when I was a teenager and it was the first time I remember feeling self-conscious about my accent or really even noticing my Southern slang. I grew up in Tennessee, but we moved to Georgia when I was in high school and my Tennessee twang frequently invited comments from others. Sierra (not her real name) and I attended different local high schools, but for six months or so we ran the customer service desk at the front of a retail store in our hometown. It never occurred to me to ask her where she hailed from and why she didn’t use fixin’ to, common in Southern vernacular, to indicate she was preparing herself to undertake a task. 

Why on earth do we use fixin’ to?

Several centuries ago, to "fix" meant "to set one's eye or mind to do something." The Oxford English Dictionary cited this 1716 example: "He fixes for another expedition." I think it sounds downright elegant when put this way. 

The Yale Grammatical Diversity Project analyzes various usages of fixin’ to and explains the phrase places an event in the near future. They further explain the use of fixin’ to can be paraphrased as going to, about to, and planning to. In their exploration of the concept of fixin’ to, the project’s discussion of this aspect of language includes finna to, often heard in African American dialects in the South and, on occasion, other parts of the country as well. Their article includes a link to maps created by Jack Grieve who appears to be researching various aspects of language and their presentations throughout the United States.

https://ygdp.yale.edu/phenomena/fixin-to

One particularly harsh definition in The Urban Dictionary indicates the person defining fixin’ to likely experienced a love connection gone awry. 

A moronic, poorly used English phrase, meaning: I'm getting ready to do (whatever the task may be), or I am preparing for something. Normally used by common hicks from the south, often those who have betrayed their fiances…

I'm fixin' to go to the bank to cash the check you gave me, since I have no money of my own and can't support my own sorry self…

#hick #south #loser #vernacular #poor grammer

Additionally, he stepped smackdab into the common trap of believing Southerners to be dumb simply because we speak colloquaially. (A word this common hick spelled correctly without looking it up or using spell check!) And, he lost some of the weight of his argument by not capitalizing South and then misspelling grammar in his hashtag array. Bless his little pea-pickin’ heart, I sincerely hope he eventually overcame his bitterness and found true love.

Bob Dylan and Bukka White

When I did a Google Search for “fixin’ to” while researching for this blog post, a link  popped up to the song Fixin’ to Die on the Bob Dylan page: www.bobdylan.com.This confused me momentarily since I did not remember the famous, gruff-voiced singer hailing from the South. So, of course my curiosity compelled me to click on the page; I learned Bob Dylan, born and raised in Minnesota, covered Fixin’ to Die in 1961, but Bukka White, an African American man born in Mississippi, wrote and recorded the song in 1940. According to the song’s page on Wikipedia, White wrote the song after watching a friend die and speculating how a man would feel facing his own mortality. Covered a number of times over the years by various artists, the song was inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 2012. I encourage you to give it a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=szGRsuK8MbM

And Now a Bar?

Again, while using the Google, as my Great Aunt Fredna would say, the search for fixin’ to lead me to an establishment in Portland, Oregon. Founded by Bart and Marli Blasengame and infused with Southern extract from Bart’s upbringing in Arkansas, The Fixin’ To bar and restaurant features live music in an intimate 100 person capacity venue. The menu pays homage to down-home cooking with its ham hock sandwich, frito pie, mac and cheese, and meatloaf. The Fixin’ To’s brunch menu riffs on names of country singers with biscuit sandwiches called Conway Tweety and Hammy Wynette. This unique venue goes on my bucket list for travel spots. Like many Southerners, I love a good hole-in-the-wall local joint when traveling anywhere.

https://www.thefixinto.com/

Southern Language

Certainly people have said a lot of deeply unfortunate and stupid things in Southern accents, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the accent itself.

Roy Blount, Jr.

Exploring this particular Southern phrase, which I continue to sprinkle in my conversations, ignites an appreciation for the colorfulness of our culture when it comes to language. I feel grateful for the lack of judgment and disdain from researchers striving to explore our vernacular and understand the various dialects present in different areas of the Southern states. Sometimes I fear we risk losing some of the interesting aspects of our culture as the world becomes a smaller place through internet access or through traditions not being passed down. Mind you, certain traditions need to stay firmly rooted in our past, but our fondness for wacky, descriptive phrases isn’t one of them. Well, I’m fixin’ to finish up my coffee and mosey down to my kitchen. I’d love to hear some of your favorite phrases from your neck of the woods, whether you’re Southern or hail from other parts.

White People Casseroles

Again, another encounter with someone from another part of this country sparked a question within me about being Southern. My sister-in-law, a bi-racial woman who hails from out west, came to the South for graduate school, met my brother, fell in love, and decided to stick around; we adore her, so we’re glad she did. Many of my family’s discussions, or even my own personal queries about Southern culture in recent years have come from her curiosity about life in this corner of our country. She asked my brother in private why white people make so many casseroles. Of course, since we hold few secrets in our family, he thought it was hilarious and remarked upon it at the next family gathering. We shared his humorous take on her question and it sparked a discussion about whether we made casseroles for family gatherings because we’re white or because we’re Southern. And, of course, we munched on my sister’s signature Squash Hater’s Squash Casserole while we mused. 

What is a casserole?

According to Wikipedia.org the definition: casserole (French: diminutive of casse, from Provençal cassa 'pan) is a large, deep pan used both in the oven and as a serving vessel. The word is also used for the food cooked and served in such a vessel, and, if so, the cookware itself is called a "casserole dish" or "casserole pan.” "Casserole" should not be confused with the word cacerola, which is Spanish for "cooking pot.” 

The more recent iteration of casseroles usually involves bakeware designed to go into the oven; these generally consist of tempered glass, ceramic, stoneware, or cast iron. Casserole bakeware also act as serving dishes and come in a variety of styles and colors. According to Wikipedia, the improvements in bakeware and the marketing of cream-based canned soups allowed for easier construction and cooking of one dish meals. 

https://www.tasteofhome.com/collection/best-casserole-dishes-to-buy/

Are casseroles Southern?

Like many curious people on a quest for knowledge, I began my investigation into casseroles by taking an informal poll. My sister-in-law surmised all the Ritz-cracker-covered creations we served at holiday meals were something only white people cooked. However, after checking in with some of my black co-workers and friends, I verified their families’ love for casseroles matched my own family’s fondness. After determining casserole consumption crossed racial lines, I began to wonder if casseroles originated in the South. After further exploration, I determined casserole creations, while common in the South, aren’t particularly Southern in nature. 

Several people I know from the Midwest explained, while they do sometimes use the word casserole to describe the multitude of one-dish meals people create, they more commonly refer to these concoctions as hot dishes. All across the country people also refer to casseroles as covered dishes. My research demonstrated, while Southerners might have their own take on casseroles, some form of one-dish meal exists throughout our vast country. 

By the same token, even though people across the United States create baked one-dish meals, certain casseroles seem quintessentially Southern. Squash casserole, featuring layers of sliced squash, a creamy sauce often including sour cream, then liberally sprinkled with shredded cheese and crushed Ritz crackers, typically graces the table at Southern potlucks. No Southern Thanksgiving spread would be complete without some version of sweet potato casserole, either with or without marshmallows on top. The Tex-Mex favorite, king ranch casserole, hails from Texas and includes cheese, chicken, peppers, and corn tortillas. 

The practicality of one dish meals

The practice of creating one dish meals doesn’t belong to those of us here in the United States; people create one dish meals all over the world. With our country being such a melting pot, one can find representation of these all over. Goulash originated in Hungary, but an Americanized version features elbow macaroni, ground beef, and tomato paste or soup. Several sources described hotch potch as a Scottish dish featuring lamb and vegetables. Moussaka, a dish originating in the Middle East, includes layers of potato or eggplant, ground meat, tomatoes, and a cream-based sauce.

In more recent history, one dish meals proved to be useful during times where people struggled financially, such as during the Great Depression, or during wartime when certain foods might be rationed, more expensive, or simply unavailable. For example, a mama could stretch out the family’s limited portion of meat by opening a can of creamed soup, chopping up vegetables, and covering the whole concoction with crackers or shredded cheese. 

Unfortunately, the South has historically been an impoverished area and Southerners continue to struggle. According to the Southern Legislative poverty analysis, “poverty rates across the South remain high compared to other regions.” As with many Southerners, I grew up eating unhealthy foods on a regular basis, simply because that’s what my large family could afford on a tight budget. My Southern blue collar roots show in many areas of my life, including slowly training myself to eat healthier foods and steer away from deep fried, salt-laden, high carbohydrate fare. 

When do we casserole nowadays?

“It’s in the freezes beautifully section of my cookbook.” 

- Annelle DuPuy in Steel Magnolias

According to Wikipedia, by the 1970s casseroles took on a less than sophisticated image. Of course, Southerners aren’t always the most sophisticated people. Perhaps more impoverished or blue collar folk continued on with their casseroles while people with more means moved on to other cuisine. Southerners can be a stubborn lot, frequently hanging on to traditions when others might let them fall by the wayside (we can discuss the pros and cons to that particular mentality in another installment).

Although casseroles tend to be a holiday food for my family, people create casseroles for all kinds of occasions, including birthdays, funerals, or family reunions. Oftentimes people drop off a one-dish meal for someone has been hospitalized, particularly if their family needs to spend a lot of time by their side with limited time to cook. Families create one dish meals for weekday evenings or to finish off leftovers.

Sweet potato casserole with tiny marshmallows takes the top spot in my list of favorite holiday concoctions. A close second would be either my older sister’s broccoli-cheese casserole with the requisite Ritz crackers crumbled on top, or my younger sister’s spinach casserole - also featuring liberal amounts of cheese and crushed crackers. What’s your favorite?

Southern Politeness at Its Best and Worst

Southerners are known for being polite

Over the years, as I have encountered people who traveled to the South, I have repeatedly been reminded, primarily by their comments on our culture, of Southern politeness. To be honest, it never crosses my mind at all, until someone, typically a person from another part of our country, points it out to me. That’s how entrenched it is into my behavior. From a customer service standpoint for those of us running a business of any kind, and for interacting with strangers in public, I think politeness proves to be a useful set of skills. With a few exceptions, being polite takes little effort and can really grease the wheels for a smooth interaction with someone.

How this politeness is displayed

Yes, ma’am and no, sir. Interestingly my parents, despite both of them being born and raised in Alabama, bucked tradition in this way and we were not taught to say these two phrases reflexively as many of my Southern-born friends had been. Only when I moved to a rural area,  met my high school best friend, and started practically living at his house did I absorb that particular habit; his Louisiana born mama drilled it into him from birth and I followed suit, particularly since they were usually feeding me. (Best strawberry shortcake you ever put in your mouth!)

Southern children frequently demonstrate respect for their elders by calling non-related adults “Miss” or “Miz” or “Mister” or referring to them as “Aunt” or “Uncle” So-and-So. The awakened part of myself realises this cultural piece stems from plantation days and was carried into the Jim Crow time period and beyond in some cases; when I tune into this darker part of hailing from the Southern states, I cringe and feel a sense of guilt. And the cringing, guilt-laden parts of myself are at war with the pride I carry with regards to other aspects of my cultural heritage. I will likely tackle this more fully in a future blog post.

Expressing appreciation does not belong exclusively to Southern culture, but I feel as if Southerners strive to do this with a high level of consistency. And we thank people in a variety of ways. There’s the classically drawled “thank yew,” gratitude towards a group: “thanks y’all,” and the casual options of “‘pre-she-ate-cha” or “much obliged.” When I hear “thank ya kindly” I visualize my high school crush with his well-worn cowboy boots, his red Chevy pick-up truck, and his crooked grin. 

Asking politely - please. Again, I acknowledge those of us raised in the Deep South didn’t corner the market on manners, but most of us see it as a source of pride. It’s what our mamas and daddies taught us, after all. Just as saying thank you is an integral part of our upbringing, saying please when making a request is drilled into all of us from an early age. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Southerners rarely call someone out in front of others, in part going back to the respect aspect of our culture; additionally, we generally want to avoid embarrassing someone and avoid causing conflict in front of “company” or a crowd. More typically we will hold off on giving someone negative feedback until we can get that person one-on-one. 

Some folks believe it denote a lack of sincerity

I peeked at a number of blogs when wrapping my brain around this particular aspect of Southern culture, in an attempt to go beyond just my own perspective. The blogs with a clear pro-Southern bent glossed over any challenges with our culturally ingrained politeness, only highlighting the virtues of manners. Several blog posts slammed Southerners as being “fake” because they felt like the politeness we demonstrate on a daily basis prevented them from knowing what Southerners truly think and feel. In some of the more vehemently anti-Southern writing, bloggers implied or sometimes explicitly stated people hailing from the South proved themselves to be two-faced or flat-out liars. Wow. 

I genuinely believe that if you took a clipboard and went out and interviewed 100 Southerners from different backgrounds, including various factors: socio-economic-status, geography, race, gender, age, you would find the majority of the people you interviewed would be surprised at the bloggers who interpret our manners as insincere, back-stabbing, or lying. The world can be a difficult place and most Southerners strive to be nice to one another; we consider politeness to be the foundation of being nice. On the flip side, we often prioritize not hurting someone’s feelings over giving them honest feedback and Southern politeness falls woefully short in these situations. 

Lack of assertiveness manifests

The concept of Southern politeness contains some significant down sides. As I mentioned earlier, making politeness the focus of interactions prevents us from sharing honest feedback sometimes. Valuable feedback which would likely help the long term outcome of a given situation should be provided to the person in question. If your best friend’s baking projects consistently fall flat, your feedback about the dryness of her blackberry cobbler might prevent her from serving it to the new in-laws she’s trying to impress.

I mentioned earlier that Southerners, out of respect, rarely call someone out in front of others, opting to wait until they can get that person alone to talk. One of the biggest challenges with navigating life to avoid disrespect and embarrassment may mean those raised in the South simply avoid conflict altogether. And, when we avoid facing an issue, it often continues to be a problem and then resentment builds up. 

One insidious side to Southern manners: politeness translating into people interacting in the world passively because they cannot bring themselves to “be rude” by standing up for themselves. As a therapist hearing about my clients’ experiences and as a woman raised in the South, I believe certain groups of people to be particularly vulnerable to this concept: women, folks under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and people of color. When you layer together the cultural norm of Southern politeness with being part of a group experiencing some level of bias and oppression, your voice becomes dampened or altogether silenced.

Growing up, I confused being assertive with being aggressive or being bitchy. Messages from media, family, friends, school, and church combined together to reinforce the concept that a person cannot stand up for themselves without being rude, but the truth is when you’re truly being assertive (versus aggressive), you’re actually measuring your tone, your word choice, and your body language to express your needs and wants. Which means you’re actually still being fairly polite, you’re just not ignoring a problem or agreeing to something you don’t like.

“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.” 

― Edith Eva Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible

Call to Action

As a therapist and writer I am constantly learning and growing and examining my own life and how I navigate within it. I need to challenge the parts of Southern politeness contributing to my own inaction and the squelching of my own needs and wants. I may need to give certain aspects of our culture the middle finger, in other words. 

How are you navigating in the world? Are you using assertiveness strategies to more effectively obtain what you need and want to be a healthy, well-balanced person?

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

People Pleasing Versus Being True to Yourself

After a lifetime of pining after a creative life, but squelching those desires down in order to always make the “sensible” choices, to always be the “good” one, to always avoid causing any kind of strife, I am officially over it. A goody-two-shoes teenager, I morphed into a people-pleasing adult. Although my people pleasing behaviors decreased from my 20s to my 40s, many of the wheels of my life were already in motion; some of those behaviors already causing deep ruts into my soul from those well worn, predictable pathways. Over the past few months, as these thoughts percolated in my brain, I realize I have not been true to myself, particularly my creative self, and it’s time for that to change.

Why am I a People Pleaser?

Multiple factors likely combined together to create the perfect people-pleaser cocktail. I am the oldest of four children; any oldest child could wax philosophically about the pressures of “setting a good example” for younger siblings. Growing up in the South adds another layer to the people please-ing archeological dig we’re attempting to sift through. Southerners are raised to be almost pain-stakingly polite and to avoid causing a ruckus of any kind; Southern women feel an enormous pressure to be almost syrupy sweet to everyone, to avoid voicing unladylike dissenting opinions, and to worry more about others’ feelings than their own. It’s a little hard to figure out how to be authentic when you’re forced to operate according to local cultural conventions.

Tiny Rebellions - Sort of

I defied convention in some small ways over the past three decades, since leaving the stifling environment of a conservative Southern junior high school. I sport several tattoos and my ears drip with multiple piercings. I refresh the reddish purple dye covering my mousy brown hair once a month. The sensible, good girl caveat to those tiny rebellions - my tattoos hide under my clothing in the majority of settings, my ear piercings barely peep out from underneath my hair, and my hair color, while fun, fits appropriately into my work setting. Any multi-tattooed person would attest to the craving of more ink and I am no different. However, I blocked myself from the much-desired half sleeve on my right arm by the ever-worried people-pleasing voice, which I cannot fully squelch, although I lowered her volume over the years. 

F That!

The realization I have lived half of my life, presuming I make it to 80 like my granny, in fear of what others will think of me is frankly pretty fucking depressing. (And yes, in order to write the F word, some serious squelching of the voice happened!) I recognize how unhealthy funneling energy into worrying about others’ opinions has been for me and I avidly work to redirect the worry into productive avenues. I am a therapist by day; working with my clients constantly forces me to look at myself and improve on what I am doing in own life. I give myself a lot of credit for the improvements I’ve made during the 12 years since graduate school. Having said that - I am recognizing the need to say “fuck that!” to more of my worries. 

How will I Break this Pattern?

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. (xxvi)” 

― Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature

Eve Ensler’s words resonate with me. Although I recognize my progression away from people pleasing during my time as a therapist, I am also feeling somewhat stuck. And that feeling tells me I need to make some changes. Over the next few months, or years, I plan to work on knowing the differences between when I am trying to please someone out of anxiety and when I am  showing someone important to me love or kindness. I am ok with other people’s differences; therapists, as a general rule, strive to be non-judgmental people. Now it’s time to be ok with my own differences and quirks and let myself be more alive and intense. My gut tells me my writing will be a key part of reveling in my differences and permitting myself to be more intense.

Where this Blog Comes In

Rather than allowing my worry-based people pleasing to continue metastasizing like an insidious cancer in the various areas of my life, I am on a journey to re-awaken my creative self, as cheesy as that shit sounds. But, cheese is delicious and so is creativity. My writing is rusty and my creative process over the past few weeks quite clunky, but I practice compassion towards myself as I try to write each day with mixed levels of success and praise any baby steps in the right direction. I researched “how to blog” and the optimal number of words and SEOs and I quite honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  Mainly I just want to get my words out of my brain and out into the world - for my own well being and maybe even for the well being of others. It’s hard to take off the therapist hat sometimes and that’s ok, too - it’s part of who I am. 

What Other Ways Can I Channel Creativity and Give the Middle Finger to Worry? 

My instinct with this aspect of opening myself up and celebrating more of my differences centers around behavioral changes. Maybe I will get the streak of bright purple in my hair I could never allow myself to get while in my 20s. I always wanted to pierce my nose, but felt like I had to be sensible in high school and college; then after 30 I felt like I was too old. I could display my tattoos in more settings. Dance classes, painting classes, photography, or other forms of creativity I haven’t given myself permission to explore, because I feared embarrassing myself and having people think less of me. That makes me think I need to figure out more ways to embarrass myself! Having come to that realization, literally as I type this blog, I believe getting outside of my comfort zone promises to be a crucial part of this journey. A constant list maker, I plan to further brainstorm ideas for change after I post this blog entry. And maybe it’s time to start working on that half sleeve.

Call to Action - How Can You Stop People Pleasing? 

My journey to being more true to myself and avoiding people pleasing focuses around my creativity. Since everyone’s journey for ending their own people pleasing will be different, I encourage you to consider how you can do this for yourself. What format works well for you with regards to brainstorming? Journaling, doodling, list making, processing out loud with a friend? What would bring you out of your comfort zone - in other words, how can you embarrass yourself a little and not give a damn who sees you?

Maybe it’s time for that half sleeve…

May